I have had a lot of time to process through the pain, to grieve, to yell, to be incredibly angry with God, and today I’m okay.Immediately after the miscarriage I felt confused. I had friends and close family that had gone through the experience but I was still faced with a dilemma: How should I feel? Everyone around me was trying to encourage me with words that only made me feel more in the depths of despair. “I’m sorry for your loss; this kind of thing is so common.” In all honesty, I know these words were meant for encouragement but they only left me feeling angry.
There were so many times when I cried out to God and asked Him to take away the emotional agony that I felt each and every day. I needed Him and only Him through those dark days to take away every emotion I was feeling and fill the huge hole in my gut. I felt like a piece of me was missing. I was angry, hurt, confused, grief stricken, and sad. “Why God? Where is the meaning in this? I know your glory will shine through this situation, but I’m just not seeing it!”
I struggled with thoughts like “”Did I do something wrong? Am I being punished? Why me when so many women have healthy pregnancies with perfect babies? Why do I have to go through this?” One night at our weekly bible study my husband was teaching on John 9. If you ever needed a bible story to remind you of the questions “Why do bad things happen?” This is where you should focus your energies. In John 9 Jesus heals the blind man, and then He answers my “Why?” question:
“9 As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. 2 His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”
3 “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him. 4 As long as it is day, we must do the works of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work.5 While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.” John 9:1-5 (NIV)”
And there it was, the answer to my question that I had been struggling with for so long. Why do bad things happen? Why is this happening to me? So that the work of God can be displayed for all to see. But actually living this out was a different story.
Believe it or not truth that was being taught in John 9 was not enough to heal my troubled soul. Months went by as I continued to ask this “”Why?” question. I’m a very rational person and I needed that justification in order to move on with my life. It was at this point that it seemed everyone around me was pregnant, or having babies. Yet, my uterus remained unoccupied. As always, God had a plan. Once I finally learned to set my pride aside and let him take control His plan began to reveal itself to me.
My entire parenthood journey thus far has been so selfish. I wanted a child for my own reasons and God had a different plan for me. My biggest rationalization came from my husband. His youngest brother has special needs. This means that doctor visits and hospitals became a part of his life at a very young age. And every time that his brother was sent back to the emergency room I could see the hurt on his face. He would confide in me that he wished he could take these struggles away from his brother and take them on himself. It wasn’t fair that his precious little brother had to go through all of the pain and my husband was healthy and able to lead a “normal” life; something that his little brother would never get the chance to do.
That realization got me thinking, I’ve seen firsthand parents with children who are ill or suffering some sort of pain or struggle. All of those parents, if given the option, would gladly take the pain away from their child and put it on themselves. The main medical explanation for miscarriage is that something just wasn’t right. The child wasn’t forming the way a healthy child will form in the mother’s womb and so the pregnancy terminates itself. At least this is what the doctors and nurses had told me. I began to ask God if that’s the answer to my “Why?” question. “God, did you just ask me to take the pain upon myself instead of allowing my child to live in pain? If so, I’ll do it all over again.” As those words left my lips, I finally felt like a mother. I finally understood what it meant for Jesus to take the pain for me on the cross. I finally put my selfishness aside so I could see that this whole journey has never been about me. Through this experience my faith has grown by leaps and bounds and I know my journey is still not over….