On July 1st,2011 I found out I was pregnant! I can’t even express the awesome excitement and overwhelming craziness that went through my head when I took that pregnancy test and it was definitely NOT negative. “Holy smokes! What do I do now?” Well, step one tell my husband who was resting peacefully in a quiet slumber in the bedroom. “I can wait until morning.” Miraculously I slept like a dream that night. I really thought I wouldn’t be able to contain myself long enough to wait to tell him. But as most women do, I wanted to take another test in the morning just to be sure. The next morning I woke up and sure enough, another plus sign. Now, how does a woman tell her husband that she’s carrying his child while he’s yelling at the morning news program? I sat and pondered this for a while as I felt my legs go numb. I decided that a tiny stick would tell him and I wouldn’t have to say a word. As I finally got his attention and he stopped baby talking to the cat his jaw dropped. “Are you serious?” said the shocked husband. Again, I decided not to respond and let the tiny plastic stick do the talking. We headed to the doctor and sure enough Baby was strong and healthy and a due date was set.
After 9 weeks of excitement, calling the family, and making plans my biggest fears came true. We went in to the doctor for an unscheduled ultrasound. There was no flicker, there was no sound. The ultrasound tech went to review our situation with one of the doctors at the facility and it was true. Miscarriage. Our little Baby was measuring small and didn’t have a heartbeat. I admit this possibility was always in the back of my head. “It won’t happen to me” I lied to myself.
My husband had a whirl of emotions overtake him in the tiny ultrasound room. He’s always been more emotional than I am. I did my best to comfort him but I was really shocked. “It’s just another chapter in our story,” I said with a trembling voice.
After meeting with our Doctor and learning our options we were sent home to grieve. My husband left to go back to work for an hour or so and I stayed home. I will openly admit that when he got back home he found a very broken little girl curled up on the bed. She had dug out her old teddy bear “Pretty Paws” from the bottom drawer, wrapped up in her “kitty blanket” and curled up on God’s lap, the only place where I could find the slightest bit of peace. My husband came home and we snuggled up and cried together. After a while we got up and put in some comedic television to lighten our mood. Then it was time to call the family and let them know. Calling the family was an extremely exhausting event but definitely an important part of our grieving process.
The next day I sent my husband to work. No sense in him waiting around here and I needed some alone time to process the situation. Many phone calls came in from loved ones and friends calling to check on me and make sure that I knew I was loved and supported. I could literally feel the many prayers that were being sent up for me as God held me in his arms on that dark day. After a long day full of emotional and physical pain, it was time. I pleaded with God that He would not allow me to go through this process. “I don’t want to do this God. Please don’t make me go through it. I would rather die. I don’t want to do this.” Never in my life have I ever thought “I would rather die than do this”. After a few minutes of pleading with God I realized I needed my husband at my side. He was still at work and my phone was nowhere to be found. So again I began, “God I need you to send a message for me… I need him here with me right now. I need his strength. I can’t do this without him.” A few more minutes went by, I felt like I could move and look for my cell phone. I dialed and the phone was answered immediately I muttered 3 simple words “I need you”. To my surprise, he was already on his way home. God sent my message and he was there in a matter of minutes. He fell to his knees beside me and held me. In that moment I heard God whisper, “This man is my gift to you. And yes, you do have the strength to do this”.